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These stage differences frequently result in conflict regarding the level of “openness” each partner finds acceptable in family relationships, employment, community, and friendships. Issues of betrayal and loyalty often occur, but rarely will couples see their difficulties in terms of stage discrepancies. This results in members undertaking their individual sexual orientation development while simultaneously navigating the challenges of an evolving relationship. Stage discrepancies are common for many same-sex couples given that many of these pairs merge before partners have completed their own identity growth.
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Generally, it takes several years after the first awareness of same-sex attractions for an individual to advance through a number of phases to fully reach a sexual minority identity. Because initial expectations often are elevated, disillusionment is intense when initial passion naturally diminishes. The loneliness of years in the closet (and possibly thinking they would never find someone to love them as they are) intensifies the emotional high of the bonding. They know what pleases someone of their own sex and can understand, give, and respond.
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The similarity of biological sex and gender role conditioning allows couples to have a high level of initial rapport and to merge deeply. Still, it is important to consider other issues that play a significant role between partners, such as ethnicity, cultural background, religion, social class, education, age, and immigration status. When at least one member has adopted a stereotypically masculine role, there are bound to be difficulties in the relationship, such as the use of distancing strategies, high levels of competition, and strong needs for control. Gay male couples tend to rely on social exchange (like doing things for one another) rather than on emotional or relational factors for mutual satisfaction.
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When problems occur, these individuals have the tendency to allow conditions to deteriorate, or to leave the partnership. Psychological masculinity, on the other hand, often is reflective of competition, independence, and lack of emotionality within the context of the relationship. Psychological femininity implies a commitment to the relationship, a tendency to accommodate the needs of a partner, and attempts to remedy problems between them. There exists some truth in these gender-related assumptions that can be used in understanding same-sex partnerships. Traditional gender roles assume that women are relational and men are instrumental. The fact that many same-sex relationships endure, and are as stable as cohabitating heterosexual unions, in spite of residing in a sometimes-hostile climate, is a testimony to the resiliency of the members involved. Members of same-sex couples have experienced societal prejudice in different ways and have dealt with it internally in their own ways, but the effect of “minority stress,” or the effects of living with often negative social conditions, always exists to some extent. Many same-sex pairs may experience extreme stress if every day supports are lacking in their lives-for example, familial, legal, religious, economic, and social support. The day-to-day activities of their lives often are similar, but the social context in which they live differs greatly, largely due to the influences of the dominant heterosexual culture and traditional expectations of gender roles within a relationship. Same-sex couples share many commonalities with heterosexual couples.